Hysterical. This girl is not only ugly and awkward, but she has no idea what the Greek system is really like. And bless her little heart, she also can’t even speak intelligently in her TV critique. Have fun being a the old lonely cat lady.
Things I Love
- Flaunting my letters… yet still managing to keep it classy
- Walking straight into a party right after the guy at the door told the crowd waiting that it was full… and bringing 20 of my sisters with me
- Neon anything
- Stealing coozies from fraternities… sorry i’m not sorry.
- Never waiting at the bar for a drink
- Never buying my own drinks
- Wearing letters on the first day of classes so GDIs know to not even bother to sit next to me
- Hooking up with the big and the little
- Partying harder than all the GDIs, yet still having better grades
- JELLO SHOTTTTSSS
Pet Peeves
- not getting a good shacker shirt
- when sisters look atrocious while wearing letters
- dead cell phones
- sisters who constantly get sick and make you take care of them because they can’t handle their alcohol. (note this is different from the sisters who get sick but can take care of themselves.) being mommy for a night is fine, but all the time is not
- when i drunk eat
- when the vodka is gone
- those few sisters who never go to events. (um why are you paying dues each semester if you’re going to be MIA… like seriously, we could have picked better girls instead of you)
- fraternity basements with no cell service
- weak jungle juice
- lame party DJs
Sratty Sites
- www.totalfratmove.com/tsm-wall … self explanatory
- www.simplybro.com
- www.jennabenna.com … get your Lilly letters!
- www.preppymonogrammedgifts.com
- www.2preppygirls.com
- www.marleylilly.com … monogrammed Derby hats!
- kieljamespatrick.com
- lotusandlilly.bigcartel.com
- www.lillypulitzer.com
- www.vineyardvines.com
Dress to Kill
Although Cornell’s Pi Phi got in some serious trouble for this, lets be honest… this has a lot of truth in it.
Key take away points:
- LEGGINGS ARE NOT AND NEVER WILL BE PANTS. i don’t care how good a body you have that you think you can pull them off, if you’re going to wear them, your shirt better be long enough to cover your ass.
- Always wear shoes appropriate for the season
- Strappy heels are gross. Don’t do it. They look like shoes tacky mom’s wear to weddings.
- Always wear tights in the winter. Even if you have beautiful, shaved legs, it’s just what you do. Plus if you venture outside, you look like a fool with goosebumps all over from not wearing any.
- Most importantly, wear things that flatter your own body. I hate seeing girls wearing new trends that make them look fat. Just because it’s in this season, doesn’t mean it’s for you.
- Cheapo jewelry is not classy. Invest in at least a few nice pieces and wear those.
- Overdone make up is gross and no one wants to look at you, none-less talk to you with that cakeface.
Inside the Sorority Girl Mind
- 9:00 am – Good morning, sunshiiiiine! Fuck wait I’m really hungover. Back to bed.
- 9:16 am – JK lolz I need at least an hour to straighten my hair! Obviously.
- 10:22 am – K, I look good. What to wear now? Leggings or jeggings? And should I wear the blue flowy top that makes my tits look bigger than they actually are? Or maybe I should just wear my homecoming hoodie….I wonder if anyone will notice that I’ve worn it 6 days in a row…..Eh. Whatever. Makeup time!
- 10:23 am – Damn, I look good.
- 10:25 am – Damn, I look even better with a shit ton of eyeliner on.
- 10:27 am – I should totes get permanent makeup when I’m older, this sucks.
- 10:28 am – I’m TOO good at this. I should give bronzer tutorials to freshmen.
- 10:29 am – A quick College ACB check before breakfast. Wait - where’s my macbook? WHERE THE FUCK IS MY MACBOOK?!
- 10:34 am – Found it! Time to sit down to a big ol bowl of Special K. Remember, no eating for the next 9 hours!! You can do this!!
- 10:36 am – SHIT EVERYONE ON ACB IS SAYING OUR HOUSE WENT FROM UPPER TIER TO THE UPPER MIDDLE. I can’t let anyone see this. Who do I have to blow to make this slander STOP?!!?!
- 10:37 am - You know what? Two can play this game. I will fight till the death for my sisterhood and um by the way I think that Annie Liebowitz has thunder thighs and I want the world to know sooo this website is anonymous right?
- 10:39 am – Self confidence has officially boosted ten points. Time for class!
- 11:24 am – Class blows. That says a lot coming from me, trust me.
- 11:25 am - I wonder if the professor is single?
- 11:27 am – Nevermind he just mentioned something about his 3 year old daughter.
- 11:28 am – But wait I’m really good with kids! I babysat once for my neighbor. This could work!
- 11:50 am – He’s definitely eye-fucking that blond slut in the front row. Screw this I need adderall.
- 12:05 – Terrace is way too far from Uris.
- 12:10 – I just passed at least 4 guys I’ve hooked up with before, two of which had girlfriends with them. I wonder if they’ve been together long enough to find out how small his dick is?
- 12:17 pm – Wow salad line is too long. I almost forgot I have like 6 more hours to starve myself. Guess I’ll just sit in the corner and spoon feed myself splenda and air.
- 12:29 pm – Jenna won’t shut the fuck up about her PJ. What’s a PJ? Where can I get one? Too dumb to ask but I really want one if Jenna has one
- 12:32 pm – It’s a private jet, apparently. I swear to god if I don’t marry wealthy I’m fucked.
- 12:35 pm – Jenna got taken to John Thomas 3 times this month after setting up her own match.com profile. WHY IS SHE SO SMART??
- 12:47 pm – Totally just set up a match.com profile on my blackberry. Jenna’s helping me pick out a profile picture where my head tilt is exactly 45 degrees to the left and my cheekbones look the most pronounced. This is hard. Keep reminding myself that it will be worth it in the end when I have a butler and my own indoor tanning salon.
- 12:49 pm – No friend requests as of yet…
- 12:53 pm – This is terrible. Am I really that ugly? I need a nose job. I also need to eat, I think my blood sugar is really low. Who cares, nothing tastes as good as being a skinny betch feels! Maybe I’ll eat a carrot just for shits and giggles.
- 1:22 pm – I’m still really hungry.
- 1:44 pm – I don’t speak spanish, why the hell did I take spanish? Where’s the tequila? Shit every time I think of tequila I want to barf.
- 1:47 pm – Hmm maybe I should throw up, I ate too many bowls of popcorn at Dunbar’s last night.
- 1:58 pm – Why are there so many ASIANS in this class?
- 2:24 pm – Way too much diversity for this one university, its kinda pissing me off and I wish someone told me about it before I enrolled.
- 2:45 pm – This is the longest fucking day ever. I need a drink. P.S. STILL NO MATCH.COM REQUESTS. WTF WTF WTF.
- 2:55 pm – Time for wines, YAY!
- 3:21 pm - Wait this class is actually really hard.
- 3:48 pm – Wow I’m extremely tipsy. I’m def the only one who is, too.
- 4:34 pm – Just dropped my wine kit all over the floor. Everyone is staring at me. I’m officially drunk. The guy next to me is super cute but he keeps spitting out his wine after tasting it so I can’t possibly date him. I wonder if he’d take me to John Thomas?
- 4:44 pm – Hey wait he’s engaged. Awesome. Totally gonna try and sleep with him anyway
- 4:47 pm - I just wanna dance.
- 5:16 pm – Home sweet collegetown. No one responded to my Annie Liebowitz thread, I’m really pissed. Bitches.
- 5:54 pm – Gym time!
- 6:09 pm – I’m bored.
- 6:13 pm – I’ve burned 32 calories. YES.
- 6:19 pm – 68 calories. SCORE.
- 6:20 pm – I’m tired.
- 6:21 pm – I’m hungry.
- 6:26 pm – Best workout ever! I burned a total of 73 calories. I’m so sexy it hurts sometimes.
- 6:47 pm – What’s for dinner? Maybe I’ll eat some toast with butter – that’s healthy right? Whole grains and shit?
- 6:48 pm – Wait is butter a carb?
- 6:49 pm – No really I forgot what they said it was in Mean Girls. Is it a carb or not?
- 6:52 pm – OK I think I’m just gonna eat some oyster crackers.
- 8:43 pm – Still no match.com requests….I can kiss that indoor tanning salon goodbye.
- 8:58 pm – FUCK DID I TAKE MY BIRTH CONTROL THIS MORNING?!?!?!?!?
- 9:14 pm – Phew. Close call. No bebes in these ovaries, BITCHES!!
- 9:29 pm – Time to drink! Diluted Four Loko (less calories) power hour with my biddieeeeesssss
- 9:35 pm – I wanna get laid tonight.
- 10:24 pm – Not drunk enough for high confidence levels to emerge.
- 11:43 pm – Ism reallllllyyyyy ddrunksh hehehehehe that waz FAST!
- 11:54 pm – I jus peed onthe sidewialk hehe is thhat okaY??
- 12:16 am – Notee to sealf: do not pee on sideewalk!! Policce man says its NOT OK!!!!
- 1:53 am – One off the aszian men from espanol class is in myy bed heh….guess i reallly DO like diverssity after all! 5 bucks ssays it was the strategically placed bronzer on my cheekbones.
- 2:14 am – I jusst threw up orange colored oyster crackers.
- 2:32 am – Still no match.com requests…must be my scoliosis. THANKS A LOT MOM WTF I thought my head tilt would throw them off damnitttttt.
- 2:56 am – I’m hungry.
